Finding real Love can feel elusive. Most of us have experienced intense Attraction and feelings of connection that later faded. So how do you know if what you're feeling is truly Love, rather than fleeting Infatuation or lust? This is one of life’s greatest questions, with no simple answers. But understanding the difference is crucial.
What’s the Difference Between Love and Attraction?
Attraction is all about chemistry. It’s the butterflies in your stomach, the preoccupation with someone, the thrill of discovering common interests and new experiences together. Infatuation often happens quickly and feels obsessive. It tends to be very much in the honeymoon phase. We’ve all been there!
In contrast, Love develops slowly over time. It’s a feeling of care, respect, and acceptance for who someone truly is. Love is not just about attraction or romance, but also friendship and intimacy on multiple levels. It runs deeper than liking someone’s smile or enjoying their company. Real Love connects you even during conflict or hardship. It offers the safety to be vulnerable around each other.
So how do you navigate these complex emotions? Here are some key signs to understand whether you're feeling true Love or something more surface-level like Infatuation:
Signs It's Love:
You're totally comfortable around them. No pretenses, no nervousness. You can sit in silence without it feeling awkward or share openly without fear of judgment.
You know and accept their flaws. We all have them, but in Love you see past perfect selfies into someone's inner world, embracing the full picture of who they are.
You compromise and support each other's growth. Whether it's giving them space to follow their dreams or motivating progress, Love makes you a team first.
You imagine a future together. Not in a fantasy "some day my prince will come" way, but actively discussing what your lives might look like blended down the road. Potential parenthood, relocation issues, career goals...you navigate it together.
You respect each other as equals. There's giving and taking without keeping score. Real Love lifts both people up.
Signs It's Just Infatuation or Attraction:
It's very new! Rome wasn't built in a day. True Love develops slowly based on knowing someone deeply. If you just started dating, it's likely still infatuation no matter the intensity. Enjoy it but don't rush to commit for life.
It's mainly physical and superficial. Make no mistake - attraction is fun! But real Love runs far deeper than appearances or chemistry. If you’re not connecting on multiple levels, it may just be a surface crush.
You put them on a pedestal. Infatuation tends to idealize someone into a fantasy version of perfection. Love sees even the hard stuff and embraces all of it. If you gloss over their flaws, it may just be puppy Love.
You feel jealousy easily. Love builds security and trust. If you’re easily jealous about their time, attention, or outside relationships, you may be battling insecurity not sustaining Love.
You argue more than you talk. Just like passion, some conflict can be healthy long-term. But if your focus stays stuck in drama without connections during calm, it likely means you’re mismatched.
The feelings you get from infatuation, attraction, and love can be truly magical. Sorting through those emotions is part of every meaningful relationship. Just don’t rush to commit without letting time reveal whether it’s a match made to last.
How to Know if You’re Ready for a Relationship
As an alternative to endless dating around trying to figure out “is this the one?”, I suggest flipping the question...
Are YOU in the right place for something real?
Here are 6 signs you’re truly ready:
1. You’re happy single.
Secure people don’t desperately “need” a partner. You have full lives — and then happily make space. Going into dating from a place of strength and contentment makes healthy relationships more possible. Figure out how to be happy alone first.
2. You have clarity about what you want.
Other than “fall in love”, what does your ideal relationship look like day-to-day? What values matter most? Do you want marriage and kids? Clarity of vision gives you a compass to assess alignment.
3. You take initiative.
Instead of complaining “all the good ones are taken,” take steps to put yourself out there. Say yes to invites, try new activities that introduce you to fresh faces, get on the apps. Fortune favors action here.
4. You have healthy boundaries.
Know your standards and dealbreakers – then stand by them! This filters for those ready to show up. And communicates how you want to be treated in a caring way.
5. You’ve healed past wounds.
Doing the personal work to process old hurts leaves you open-hearted for someone new. Until you’ve made peace with the past, it’s hard to truly let others in.
6. You embrace dating as a process.
Rather than fixating on “the one”, enjoy dating as a journey. Not every coffee meets your future spouse (and that “fail fast” approach is good!) When you relax those pressures, the right fit often appears.
Put simply: the healthiest relationships grow between two happy, whole people with self-love – not two half-empty souls hoping the other person completes them.
So don’t worry so much early on whether it’s love or attraction. Spend more time becoming someone ready to give and receive real love when the moment is right. The rest tends to follow!
Am I in Love or Just Lust?
Here’s another tricky balance: separating Love from passion and physical connection.
That sparky chemistry you share is awesome! But it can cloud judgment temporarily if you’re not careful.
Ask yourself these questions:
Do we connect deeply beyond the bedroom? Share values, worldviews, interests and emotional intimacy? Or is it mostly steamy encounters without the friendship building?
Do I respect this person’s dreams/autonomy? True Love supports each person growing into their best self, even when paths diverge. Just attraction demands loyalty even at the expense of personal fulfillment.
Does this feel like my teammate? When life throws the inevitable curveballs, is this the person you want by your side? Or do they feel tangential to your core world?
Give this litmus test time before deciding. The lust phase of a relationship offers a quick high that can absolutely develop into something deeper. Discernment brings clarity.
If over time you’re building shared dreams, intimacy, and partnership well beyond attraction, you likely have the real thing – on so many levels.
Is it Love or Just a Crush?
Crushes are fun! Who doesn’t enjoy that flutter of excitement over someone who catches your eye across the room?
In many ways, getting crushes reminds us we’re alive. It taps into our inner romantic souls...not to mention hormones, especially in youth!
The downside is mistaking a crush for long-term love. Here are some key differences in their trajectory:
Crushes:
Tend to fixate heavily on appearance and superficial traits
Create obsessiveness about getting their attention/affection
Feel jealous if attention goes elsewhere
Imagines an idealized, fantasy version of them
Fades as quickly as it appeared once interest shifts
Love:
Develops slowly based on knowing someone’s full personality
Brings a feeling of close friendship and emotional intimacy
Makes you want the best for them, even if it’s not with you
Sees and embraces their imperfections and quirks
Keeps maturing as you walk through life experiences together
So enjoy those crush feelings! But don’t rush into forever based on them. Let a friendship build first to see if love blossoms. Getting to know someone fully is the only way to assess good relationship material. Time and consistency reveals all.
At the end of the day, love is a verb. It’s an action we demonstrate through care, trust-building, sacrifice, and commitment over time.
Determining whether feelings represent fleeting infatuation or potentially long-lasting love requires self-reflection and sometimes outside input. Attraction undoubtedly plays a part in chemistry and getting to know a prospective partner. However, relationships built solely on surface connections often lack the understanding, mutual respect, and alignment needed for commitment.
The most resilient, nurturing romances encompass not only physical draws, but also intimate emotional bonds, accepting all aspects of a partner, supporting growth, compromising during conflicts, appreciating positives, envisioning a future together, and embracing both individuality and “we” decisions.
Rather than definitively categorizing every scenario as love or not, approach dating mindfully. Notice how interactions evolve. Do bonds deepen meaningfully over time through revealing vulnerabilities, compassion for imperfections, cheering wins, and weathering hardships side-by-side with patience and care?
Read next: How can I get over a break-up?
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